A Shaken Faith

Two days ago I put this blog into movement and was excited to share my story of how I have relied so heavily on my faith after losing two children to heaven.  And this morning,  as the paramedics carried my seizing older son to the ambulance as I quickly put on my coat and jacket, the only words coming out of my mouth were: "Don't you dare, God...Don't you dare....you don't get to take another child from me.  I won't survive this if you do."

Twelve hours later, I am at a different spot and my little boy is playing in his bed instead of sleeping per usual.  Tonight I'm glad to hear his babbling because it lets me know he's ok.  My husband will camp out with him tonight, because he doesn't sleep well in our bed, and we will be grateful tomorrow when he sees his Dr. and we formulate a plan.

Here's the thing....what we witnessed today, our child having a Grand Mal seizure, is beyond frightening for any parent.  But when you're a parent who has lost a child, the fear of losing another child is never far from you.  You're always kind of waiting for the other proverbial shoe to fall.  So the hypocrisy or contradiction of my words and actions wasn't lost on me.  I am a woman of faith who I believe has only survived losing my children because of that faith, and yet when trauma strikes again, I'm raising my fist to heaven and letting God know just exactly how I feel in that moment.

In some ways today I felt like a modern day Job.  Although his story is far more extreme, I could relate to him when he would ask God to spare him any further grief, that it would be better for God to take his life than to put him through any further agony.  Today, for awhile, I was Job.  And maybe that's dramatic, but it's honest.  It's where I was at.  How much more testing in the fire was I going to be asked to endure?

So where does my strong faith come in?  I think what I realize is that God has big shoulders.  It's ok if we yell out to Him in times of fear and agony.  He can handle us questioning His role in our lives.  He waits for us.  He's a gentleman like that.  It's ok to question and wonder just where He is in times when it feels like He's abandoned us.  And then, if we allow Him, He reminds us that He's still there.

When my little boy was dancing around the living room tonight to his favorite "Truck Songs" videos...God reminded me He was still on the thrown.  Tonight we have a happy, little guy who hopefully doesn't remember much of what happened today (he's gonna think it's pretty cool one day to know he got to ride in an ambulance.) God reminds us that His mercy is new each new day. His joy comes in the morning.  He never abandons His children, even when (especially when) there isn't a happy ending.  And although sometimes I have to remind myself of that truth, I know in my heart of hearts, just like Job, God will comfort and restore my faith.