Look for the Helpers

I'm falling apart

I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart

That's still beating

In the pain

There is healing

In your name

I find meaning

So I'm holding on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

Barely holding on to you

Lifehouse

Tomorrow will be 3 months since we said good-bye to our son, Benjamin.  I've found in the major events of my life the 3 month mark is when I'm tired of being strong (or at least pretending to be) and the numbness of the past 3 months suddenly turns into lots of other emotions....sadness, anger, exhaustion, and deep, deep loss.  In the grief world, it's also at this point that most people have returned back to their lives (as they should) and you feel alone in all of this.  You feel that if you ask for help you are "needy" and "should be over it" already.  But anyone who has lost a loved one, will tell you that this most definitely isn't the case.

I don't tell you all of this for pity or so that you'll feel sorry for you, but rather what I've finally learned or that I am still learning.  You may be familiar with the saying from the late Mr. Rogers that says, 

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping."  

This past week I met with my therapist and I was telling her that I had a moment in my prayer time this week in the daily readings from the Psalm that said "The Lord is kind and merciful."  I've read that Psalm many times in my life, as I'm sure many of you have.  But the Lord challenged me this time around.  If the Lord is indeed as kind and as merciful as I believe Him to be, then He can't be the same God who is making the tragic and difficult events in my life occur.  Those can't coincide.  So my therapist posed a question, she asked me where then did I see this kind and merciful Jesus in the tragedies. The answer that came to my mind was in His people.  

My brother who came over at 6:30 in the morning so my husband could meet us at the hospital when our son was recovering from a major seizure.  The friend who dropped off groceries on our porch because she knew we wouldn't want to be away from him.  My mom, who when I asked, got on a plane to come stay with us so that I could have some extra support as I navigate this grief with two young children to take care of.  The cards in the mail.  The meals prepared.  The kind messages and comments in social media.  I began to see Jesus in His people, both the expected and unexpected.

Sometimes we miss God, because He comes in ways (and people) we don't expect. God hasn't left me alone or abandoned me.  He is kind and merciful and in those time when I needed Him most He sent His people.  And I needed to be reminded of that fact.  Because I was very much questioning and accusing God of His role, or lack there of, in my life lately.  I was reminded of the scripture that says, "The Lord is always close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18. I just missed that from Him.  I didn't recognize His face in the faces of my helpers.  

Then today as I drove down the highway after dropping my mom off at the airport, and life once again was resting on my shoulders, the song from Lifehouse came on the radio, and I was reminded that despite the tragedies and difficulties, I find meaning in God and that I can keep holding on, because He is near in the people He has put in my life. 

So thank you for those of you who showed me Jesus.  Thank you for the times in my life that were the hardest, you were there in the ways I needed.  

And I challenge all of you....look for the helpers,  they are always there if you look hard enough. 

Until heaven....